Q & A with Mullet Man

Q: HI MULLET MAN,

MY HUBBIE AND TWO TEENAGE KIDS ARE SUPER KEEN FISHOS AND WE ALL LOVE GETTING OUT ON THE WATER. MY PROBLEM IS THAT ALL THEIR CLOTHES END UP COVERED IN FISH BLOOD AND GUTS, AND NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I CAN’T GET OUT THE STAINS. CAN YOU GIVE ME ANY TIPS AS TO HOW TO GET THEIR FISHING CLOTHES CLEAN?

DEBBIE FROM DARWIN.

 
A: Dear Debbie,

Thankyou for your letter. Who do you think I am, Shannon fucking Lush?

Seriously though, I’ve had this problem for years, as have lots of my mates. It usually comes when one of the boys catches a really big fish and gets really over the top with excitement. I’ve seen ‘em cuddle fish, kiss fish (onya Rexie!) and even give real trophy fish a type of dry root! Then there’s the cleaning part. When you catch mad fish like tunas and dolphin fish they leave so much blood spatter on the scene you need Dexter to come and investigate the whole boat. It can look like a crime scene.

My ex missus came up with a system that really sorted out the problem, but you’ve gotta be bloody careful. Don’t stuff around with all that stain removal shit. It’s designed for pansies that get highly stressed about a red wine stain on their fancy $400 shirt. Ain't worth a cracker with fish guts.

Chuck all the fish clothes in the wash. Crank the machine up to industrial settings, add all the usual powder and crap then add four pilchards and a litre of tuna oil. If the whole friggin' shirt is stained, you won’t notice it when a bit more gets added, and these shirts are fantastic fish attractors on the water. Also, when you get up in the dark and don’t want to wake up your partner as you head out for a 4am fish, you can find your fish clobber in the cupboard by just smelling it and leave the light off.

Just be bloody careful not to mix your other clothes into the mix. As I know, this can lead to some savage domestics when that hot little black dress carries a shitload more pheromones than the owner intended to wear.

Hope this helps, and thanks for your letter. A family that loves time on the water together is what this country needs more of. Darwin is bloody good for that sort of thing, and give my regards to my mate Tommy McCulloch.

Q: DEAR MULLET MAN,

CAN YOU PLEASE ADVISE ME ON THE USEFULNESS OF FISHING AS A FORM OF EXCERCISE FOR THE FULLER FIGURED LADY. I WENT TO THE DOCTOR AND WAS TOLD I MUST LOSE WEIGHT, BUT AS I DETEST GYMS, I THOUGHT ANGLING MAY OFFER ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO MEET MEN AND EXCERCISE. DOES CATCHING GIGANTIC MARLIN MAKE YOU LOSE WEIGHT? BUT I'M WORRIED THAT FISHERMEN MAY BE DEVIANTS, GIVEN THE PREDELICTION OF THOSE ON TV TO PASH DYING SNAPPER. HOWEVER YOU SOUND LIKE A TRUE ALPHA MALE AND A SERIOUS INTELLECTUAL, THEREFORE WELL SUITED TO ADVISE ME APPROPRIATELY. DOES WEILDING A FISHING ROD CAUSE BOUTS OF STRESS INCONTINENCE?

FAT GREY NURSE SHARK.

A: Dear Fat Grey Nurse Shark,

You sound like one formidable woman. In past times, anglers were the athletes of the ocean. When I was serving my fishing apprenticeship we'd think nothing of carrying a 50 litre drum of water and live bait over a mountain to catch a tuna from the rocks, or going 20km upstream in a canoe through rapids to catch a cod or trudging 10km through burs, blackberries and cow shit to cast a lure to a bass. Fishos were fit bastards back then.

These days anglers have become soft and plenty have turned into MOFCs.(aka morbidly obese fat chaps/chicks/c%^$s).Some of these get breathless opening an esky and have verandah guts hanging over their privates that they haven't seen in years. This is a national disgrace. So I reckon you are entering angling at the wrong time. It isn't exactly Jenny Craig!

But there is hope for you, Fat Grey Nurse Shark. You need to take up ocean kayak fishing. Depending on how big a MOFC you are will dictate the type of kayak you need, and a really big MOFC may require several kayaks to get floated properly. Then you tow a big mother of a bait such as a whole tuna or live slimy behind the kayak while you paddle like buggery. This will cause you to lose a shitload of weight, especially when a marlin or shark attacks the bait. Some kayak anglers are starting to catch some bloody monstrous fish from kayaks, and this will definitely test your incontinence issues, especially when you slip out a number two when a shark is on the line.

So go hard and conquer the ocean waves. Kayak fishing will definitely be your ball game I reckon. Start paddling now and go get 'em. The only deviants in the fishing game are the wallies out there that talk the talk without doing the time on the water. You sound like a doer to me, and I'll be looking out for a fuller figured grey nurse shark furiously paddling away out on the blue water.

Good luck lady,

Mullet Man