Q & A with Mullet Man

Q: DEAR MULLET MAN,

You probably will disagree with me but I am a very keen fishing woman since childhood and am very proud to see a lot of women’s fishing gear that I am proud to say I own but us women are missing one important fishing item which is a women’s fishing boat. What are your thoughts on this subject?

Jackque via email.

A: Dear Jackque,

I fully understand your situation, and I reckon there is a definite market for your idea, but how the hell can you ever get that much shit into a boat? It would look like a cruise liner. Now somewhere hereabouts on this blog will soon appear a response from ‘Skye from Paddington’ to some of my thoughts. I will systematically and thoroughly deal with Skye later, but she is the type of Sheila who won’t buy the boat you want. Skye loves PEW and wants to stop you from fishing all together, and labels fishing as "a male dominated phalocentric female oppressive sadistic pastime", which means Skye has issues with fishing, blokes, dicks and self-esteem. Damaged goods.

We need more fishos like you Jackque I reckon, and its about time the fishing women of Australia stood up to be counted and stopped putting up with the crap that comes from the likes of Skye. Get onto Jim Harnwell and get a women’s column in Fisho!

The biggest problem with designing a women’s boat is the ablutions issue. I’ve spent plenty of days out fishing with a whole range of women from all walks of life and while I appreciate it is easy for blokes to have a slash out at sea pretty easily, the basic problem is that the female plumbing is way too short to easily pee at sea. But there’s a fantastic new invention I first saw a couple of month’s back. I was chasing a few flatties and my crew for the day was one of the girls from my local fishing club, and much to my amazement she stood up and relieved herself over the side. It was definitely one of those "bugger me" type moments, and while she did have large feet and a bit of mono brow going on, she showed me the new bit of kit that made life simple and easy on a boat. It’s called a Pee-easy and is a little funnel like contraption that fits easily around the knickers, and allows women to pee standing up. This simple bit of plumbing totally changes the dramas of buckets, sitting on lifejacket head holes as toilet seats and turning purple from having to hold it in all day. I carry a couple on board all the time now. Just don’t get ‘em mixed up with the fuel siphon.

The next bit about female boat design is that the boat has to appeal to true female fishos, who, on the whole, are a lot more organised than most blokes. I’d stick a stack of racks, drawers, kitchen sink, mounted tackle boxes, cleaning cupboards, deck wash, mirrors, crab pot storage rack, make up box, coffee barrister boy, soap dispensers and towel racks all over it. Most blokes' tackle boxes are in a constant state of chaos with random crap dumped on other random crap from last trip, whereas female fishos are, on the whole, a bloody tidy and organised lot. The manufacturer would insist on the boat being many shades of pink, but that’s not a bad thing especially if you love chasing flatties that love pink lures.

Some women who don’t fish want boats with spa pools, luxury kitchens and feather beds. That’s why they invented cruise ships. So Jackque, go hard, keep up the good work and get a Pee- easy, and if you can do me a favour please sort out this 'Skye from Paddington’ rabid greenie uni student and take her out on your boat to show her our pastime from a female perspective. (There you go editor, an entirely reasonable answer without a single ‘fuck’ in it!!)

Mullet Man