Q & A with Mullet Man

Q: HEH BRO, IT'S ME AGAIN. I BIN ON THE TELLY AND MY MISSUS AINT HAPPY CAUSE ALL THE NEIGHBOURS COME OVER WANTING PAUI SHELL AND KINGFISH. WENT TO COURT, PAID THE FINE AND NOW THEY COME AND TOOK MY BOAT AND DONE ME FOR OUT OF DATE FLARES AND LIFE JACKETS WERE TOO SMALL. IT’S HARD TO GET A LIFE JACKET FOR A BIG BRO LIKE ME MUN. NOW I GOTTA FISH OF THE BANK AND I AIN'T HAPPY MULLET MAN. WHAT DO YOU RECKON I SHOULD DO?

PISSED OF BRO (AGAIN),
SOUTH AUCKLAND

A: That’s the fucking price of fame bro! All the neighbours see you’ve got a stack of top tucker and they’re over like blowies on a blown sheep. Fish police are always gunna go sniffin’ where they caught one before, eh bro! Getting a life jacket for some of you boys is probably better done by strapping a Zodiak inflatable to your back.

I’ve been watching that Kiwi coastal patrol show on the telly and those Kiwi fish police are gunna still give you grief if you fish off the bank. Watched last week and they were spying  with binoculars from the top of a mountain on a group of bro's diving for Paui in a big bay.

These boys had a heap of shells but the fish coppers noticed only one bro had done all the work, so they fined him for being over bag limit as the other bro's caught fuck all. Now I know what pedantic wankers an officious Kiwi can be, so in a word, I reckon you are pretty screwed. Probably time to move to Australia. The fish police here don’t seem to give big Polynesian boys such a hard time - they’re too focused on nailing Asians.

But wherever you go, man, the fish police are like a growth industry. It's part of all this Green Party influence. In a decade or so they’ll try to ban fishing altogether and these latte-sipping, tofu eating vegan dickwads will be running this country. The whole country - and New Zealand - will be turned into one fucking massive Marine Park if these pricks get their way.

Q: DEAR MULLET MAN,

I WAS ON THE INTERNET ON A FISHING CHAT ROOM AND I NEEDED SOME ADVICE ON CATCHING JEWIES ON LURES. SOME BLOKE RECKONED SOFT PLASTICS WERE THE GO BUT YOU NEED TO USE A LOT OF SCENT. ANOTHER BLOKE RECKONED BIG WHITE FEATHER LURES WERE THE BEST. WHAT IS YOUR OPINION?

JEWIE LURE HUNTER
(via email)

A: Dear Jewie,

If you want advice about a fishing lure, do you go up to random kids in the street and ask them what to do? Most internet fishing chat rooms are run by twelve-year-old kids who can’t get onto porn sites because their mothers put filters on the computer. These smartarse little pricks are happy to give advice to anyone at any time, and half of these little Gen Y bastards have never been fishing. They spend their whole days on computers annoying the shit out of people like you or playing some bullshit game shooting aliens. Fair chance that these "blokes" you talk of aren’t long out of nappies but are still chock full of shit. They would know fuck all about catching jewies on lures.

Do yourself a favour and get off the fucking computer, buy a copy of Fisho and go use the lures you see stuck in the gobs of the jewies in the pics. You’ve then got to stick that lure in the face of a jewie and wiggle it a bit. Get that right and you’ll have one on. Then go back to the chat room, tell the twelve-year-old gurus what you think of the little wankers, and then there’s a bloody good chance the moderator will ban you for life (well, that’s happened to me six times now) so you don’t have to trouble yourself dealing with pimple covered experts ever again.