Q & A with Mullet Man

Q: DEAR MR MULLET MAN,

YOU FISH UP NORTH A BIT CHASING BARRAS. I’M KEEN TO TRY THIS BUT AM SHIT SCARED OF CROCODILES, DON’T LIKE CAMPING AND HATE BUGS. DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS AS TO HOW I CAN CATCH BARRA BUT NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THESE THINGS. I ALSO SWEAT LIKE TEN BASTARDS WHEN IT IS HOT AND NEED MEDICATIONS AS PART OF MY ANGER MANAGEMENT PROGRAM. ANY SUGGESTIONS APPRECIATED.

MAD MICK, ADELAIDE.

A: Dear Mick,

I will attempt to answer this without you needing to pop a pill or blow a gasket. There are clearly a few issues here that need sorting before you go up north, because fuck me, you’ve got problems. Crocs, tents, bugs and sweat are all part of the barra experience, and most professional guides don’t like having punters with anger management issues on their boats. Even a big boat seems real small when you’ve got a revved up angry psycho with eyes like Gordon Tallis on board.

If you want to go barra fishing in the NT you will have to harden the fuck up and get used to all of the above. A good way to get used to big crocs is to go to the Crocodylus display in Darwin. Here you can undergo a bit of "exposure" therapy. For a fee they’ll put you in a big Perspex tank and lower you into the tank where a big mother of a lizard will attempt to attack you through the Perspex. Most people find this a real blast, and it will sort out your croc issues pretty fast. If you hate camping, then get some type of cabin, or go on day trips so you and your sweaty arse can sleep in aircon comfort. Alternatively, stop whinging, get a tent and learn to love it.

As to bugs, well, the NT is the bug capital of the world. There are a few new anti-bug devices that burn a small chip of chemical and last for 8 hours and the NT boys are raving about them. Use some Bushman bug spray and get a big bottle. Are you just pissed off by bugs in general or are you one of these phobic types that start screaming when they see a spider? If you are the latter type, the NT has these massive hairy bastards that eat birds, so be warned. You don’t mention snakes, but I thought I’d bring that up too. The NT has shit loads of bloody big snakes that feed off the spiders. How do you go with big toads? They’ve got them in millions now as well.

As to sweating, well, all the nasties will have you in such a panic you will sweat even when it isn’t hot, which is never! You will sweat like you never have before, particularly in the build up and the wet season, when it is always stinking fucking hot and stinking fucking humid. Take a heap of sweat cream, powder and all your other medications because crotch rot is rife in the NT, as are fungal infections, scabies, boils and lymphogranuloma venereum (known by the quaint term as "dick rot"). When it is stinking hot and humid, you can feel the water you just drank coming straight out your back in sweat. But these are the conditions where barra are on the chew and most normal blokes just get on with the business of fishing without worrying about these minor details.

As to your anger management issues, well the NT will test you! Are you the type of dickhead that hooks a good barra, has it jump off and then throws the rod in the drink, abuses all and sundry and is a complete prick to everyone else on the boat, or are you one of the more silent nasty serial killer types? Regardless, better double the dose a month before you go and see the doc about getting some kind of long lasting depot antipsychotic injection to tide you over. If you’ve got a mate who is familiar with your condition best take him along to smooth the waters, unless he has the same issues as you do, which would double the fun for your guide!

Overall, I reckon your problems are pretty minor in the scheme of things, so chill out, relax, forget about all your issues and enjoy your fishing. (But I do get the feeling there’s fat chance of that!)

Mullet Man.